This is a partnered post.
Surrogacy is an incredibly unique circumstance to deal with. It’s also deeply beautiful when you think about it. The surrogate in question is giving up their time, energy and putting their body through changes to help bestow a miracle upon your family unit. This is a wonderful thing, and should be treated with respect. Part of this entire journey is to connect with the surrogate, as they must choose you as much as you choose them, perhaps even more so.
You will come to know this person well. How could you not? However, there is perhaps some advice to consider when choosing someone, and deciding to apply your best self to this entire process. Remember to view them in this light, and to behave in these ways (as explained to you by the service you will go through, no doubt.) Doing this can make this experience much smoother, less stressful, and much more focused than it might have been:
Respect The Surrogates Wishes
While you are entering a form of contractual agreement with the surrogate, and the result is intended for you, it’s important to respect the wishes of the surrogate. For example, it might be that after the child is born, in order to distance themself emotionally, they might wish to say a sweet farewell to you and never be reached for contact again. Sometimes, they might want to check up now and then depending on the rules and agreement you have signed. While you absolutely have a say as to how this goes, you should also keep in mind the surrogates wishes. You cannot force them to visit or be your close friend afterwards, and you have every right to deny them access afterwards if that’s the agreement you had clearly and strongly agreed on all throughout the pregnancy.
Services such as those offered by ConceiveAbilities will help you draft this arrangement, and will have guidelines for you to follow. It is in everyone’s best interest that you follow it this way, as pregnancy is perhaps one of the most intimate things to deal with, and emotions run high in both directions. With a clear plan laid out, you will both benefit from a more down-to-earth visitation structure.
Be Financially Available
Again, the agreement will often dictate all. However, the compensation you might choose to bestow upon a surrogate should always be considered. You should always be financially available to them also, regarding medical costs, transport, hotels, visitation among a range of things. This will be your burden. A surrogate pregnancy is difficult to deal with enough, and while the volunteer might have the best of intentions for you and your partner, they shouldn’t have to be expected to offset the financial costs for you. No one would ever think this in their right mind of course, but it’s worth repeating that a surrogacy is no ‘cheap’ alternative to having a child. Remain financial available for the offset, and ensure you can afford this whole process. The service you use will help you ascertain this effectively.
Contact & Closeness
You will need to stay in contact with your surrogate throughout the pregnancy, of course. Again, the meter as to how this proceeds will be different from plan to plan. It might be that your surrogate wishes to be with you, but meet in a specialist contact centre. You might become close friends over the course of the pregnancy. While you’ll likely select a surrogate who you do enjoy being around, and they will select you also with fondness in mind, it’s important to maintain the relationship, and realize the reason you are all together.
This lends importance to the prospect of vetting beforehand. You absolutely need to vet every aspect of the surrogate from top to bottom, and they will too. Many meetings and social dates will take place before this happens. The more vetting and connecting you do beforehand, the easier the process goes. Once more, the right service will help you arrange this. It’s obviously quite absurd to choose a volunteer simply because they are available, and process the pregnancy while learning about that person.
However, just because they are friendly and deeply close with you now doesn’t always mean you will remain close after the pregnancy ends. Again, emotions always change throughout a period as intense as this, and sometimes the cleanest eventuality is to give an amicable goodbye in both directions. But you will know how to make the right choice in your planning, and when the time comes.
With these attitudes, the very unique process of surrogacy is sure to be conducted with respect for one another and the process at large.