Birthdays are made to be special. Seeing your child grow up another year, and all of it’s accomplishments, is definitely a reason to celebrate. Some just go about it more extravagantly than others.
There are those who begin devising the perfect birthday party theme months in advance. They scour Pinterest boards for inspiration. The entire event must coordinate and match perfectly, from outfits to games to the table setting specially purchased to the elaborate cake artfully crafted.
That’s not how I do it here.
And so I present to you, how to pull off the lamest birthday party possibly ever:
1. Real invitations are cute, but not worth the effort. My preferred invite system is sending an email or over Facebook chat. The more impersonal, the better.
2. Dinnerware consists of paper plates, plastic cups, and plastic forks.
3. Balloons are festive, except when you blow up the same kit of helium balloons for each kid on each birthday, year after year. The helium balloons that begin to deflate before the first party guests even arrive.
4. Refer to party goers as “guests”, but it’s really just a few members of family. Because you’re crazy for inviting school friends.
5. The skating rink and swimming pool are fun places to hold your festivities, if you’re into that. Because there’s nothing more comfortable than home. Where the main entertainment is placing bets on who drips food on their shirt first.
6. Let the bakery at the grocery store make your cake. If you happen to forget until the last minute, recruit Grandma to bake some cupcakes that somehow melt and fuse together. They’ll love it as long as they don’t know any better.
With these easy tips, you’ll be throwing a lame birthday get-together, too. Just make sure your child never attends one of the more elaborate events, or else then you’re just screwed.